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Post by Tim on Sept 10, 2005 22:38:48 GMT -5
Hi Everyone,
I've been a bit busy of late, and have not been around. I read all your works, and I must say that it's all pretty good.
Wayward: I really like your style. For "A Simple Love Song" To be honest, at first glance I was taken aback by the number, but when I read it it was pretty well written. You write some pretty deep stuff, which is hard to take in at length. The repetition of the ale and vertigo couplet makes it easy to digest -and actually almost like a song. I also like the descriptive nature of the work a lot. Your song is by no means simple, my friend. I still like it alot. And the length makes it worth reading, when I really think about it. Do you have music for it?
Your second work is even more impressive. I like the style of taking everyday things and making it magical by relating it to abstrations like relationships. It is also short. Not to knock the length of the other one, by no means do I mean that. It's just that it packs a punch. It reminds me of works by Ray Davies, or even Lennon-McCartney -where they wrote songs about everyday things and attached something meaningful to them.
Incidentally who are your influences. I'm guessing that Poe is one of them.
Corrusader: I like your works but for different reasons. It's a bit on the dark side. Very Lou Reed. I'm guessing you were also into Poe at one point.
BTW, have either of you ever been into Rimbaud?
Since I've given feedback to both of you, I'm going to leave a poem. And since I'm not here often, I'm going to leave two. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WENDIGO 1
Wendigo Spirit of the Winter Storm Puts you in heat Drives you mad Drags your feet And your roughly clad Physique
In a Wild Storm We are not the norm Our steps are long & fast We do no wrong at last
Wendigo Where’d you go? Draggin’ away your feet Or at every being you greet? What a nice way to meet! A feast that’s so unique! Driving all to madness Away from sadness Straight to disaster Because that’s what you’re after
Wendigo Beware the wrath of a Winter Storm for Jack W. Frost is out The W. stands for Wendigo.
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WENDIGO 2
Darkness of night covers the sky like a perforated shroud. Concealing the light that hovers over our eyes, ~then you cry aloud A howl of wind into the all encompassing Night penetrates the black veil of silence. One that shields your face Drag me away from this place! Wendigo!
Mythical being from Indian lore A village elder escaped from you before. But you’ll get back at him again ‘Cause now he no longer has any friends. Friends – fiends, The difference is in one letter It’s the one that gets away ~the others are no better! Better late than never, trapped by you forever Daemon of the Winter Storm A white blackout of Snow-blinding footprints. Dragging as we go How did you know? Where did you go? Wendigo.
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Have fun,
t,t ~
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Post by Corrusader on Sept 11, 2005 20:40:02 GMT -5
Heaven knows that this is the third time I'm writting this reply. Links to other pages foiled my efforts in the two previous times. Wayward Wayne, you may laud me all you want and many times more and I still won't get tired of it. I do however, thank you most fondly for the high praise on "Broken Promise." The origin of the poem is in itself quite a story to tell. There is this girl that said she'll try her hardest to meet me this one evening. As long as she can get the car. Things happened that led to her not showing up and me waiting for two hours in vain. That very night I dreamed of the two begining sentences of the poem. Waking up and still feeling inspired, I wrote the first stanza. At work that day I penned the rest of the poem. So instead of a date I got a nice little poem. Often afterwards, I wonder if it was a fair trade, and the answer is always no. Moral of the story: Bring a cellphone. Line 11, Heart shaped carcass fiendish deed. It is a controversial line as my sister also finds it confusing and stupid. However I put it in there in reference to the "broken thoughts" line. The "broken poem" then of course refers to Broken Promise not conforming to the classical form. The three stanzas are three iterations of the same event. Three attempts of accusation and what I felt at the time. Most of which is left for the reader to identify Tim Taw, The Raven is indeed one of my favorate poems of all time. However I find that to properly appreciate Poe's writing I have to sit down and read his poem at least two or three times. That, without the recommendation of my friends, usually outlasts my attention span. Thanks again for the high praise, and I humbly await any further comments.
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Post by Velata on Sept 11, 2005 20:50:59 GMT -5
... May I...? "Art is long, and time is short." It's true for so many of us So... for the moment, I will offer my views on what has been published lately. A poem will, eventually, follow... I hope. For Corrusader:Perhaps because of the nature of the poem, I have to say, I liked Broken Promise the best here among all of your works. I believe this may have something to do with the universality of the subject matter. Everyone will admit to having had a promise made to them that was broken, or had broken a promise they had made. The influence a writer can achieve is to tell a tale that echoes into the heart into many readers, regardless of the fact that the reactions might be different from reader to reader. Broken Promise has certainly done that. The use of an almost lyrical form (and the breaking down thereof) is another fine point that so few people even attempt these days. For all of the above reasons, I salute you! There are a few dictorial choices that may need a little more polishing. It's difficult to make the 4th line rhyme exactly with the 2nd. However, if the sentence was taken into a pluralised, more general form, the rhyme will work (at the cost of a more subjective comment and a more personal tone - it's a give and take here.) A similar event took place in the third quatrain with "thoughts" and "naught". But these are difficult things to manage after all. I would like to just point them out, and leave it to Corrusader's disgretion. Also, "demonic trial" is an interesting choice of word. Why demonic? For Tim Taw:Wendigo... interesting choice of topic here. Perhaps, the often maligned personification of a source of violent nature deserve a more humanistic treatment once in a while. Perhaps. And perhaps because of that, I found reading these two poems not only interesting on a literary point of view, but also on a figurative point of view. After all, these two poems follow no form and no rules... they seem to try to capture the winds conjured up by the Wendigo. These two poems are therefore very lively, and very kinetically moving. That made them something that transcends more than just words on the page. This seems to be Tim's style in poetry, it seems. I find this refreshing and therefore would also like to congratulate Tim on these two new poems. Welcome back to the writers' corner, gentlemen. Well done!
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Post by Corrusader on Sept 13, 2005 19:50:42 GMT -5
The choice of the word demonic has a loose biblical reference when the sage was sitting on a cliff and tempted. He is supposed to have faith, to be virtueous and not doubt, but satan came and tempted him.
The faith in that sentence refers to the believe that the girl will show. She will make true of her promise to come. Really, a kind of trust and devotion. When doubts creeps into that faith, it fails the trial.
The waiting itself, the trial, is torturous and nightmarish, those adjectives would work, but I think demonic provides a better imagery.
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Post by Advent Childhe on Sept 15, 2005 9:09:26 GMT -5
Greetings:
Wendigo, the ancient spirit of the woods. A dark stalker. It is good to see it in poetry, for its shadowy history has inspired many artists' nightmares and fancy (grin).
I will put more comments on this later.
I must admit to one thing. Recent days do not permit me time to be artistic. But I have something up my sleeves yet.
Yours, Wayward,
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Post by Advent Childhe on Sept 16, 2005 16:34:01 GMT -5
Greetings:
Time permits today.
Tim Taw:
The Wendigo, as I have stated in our other conversations, has always been the menancing figure that lurked just outside of our field of view. This 2-part piece paints, at least for me, a different view on this ancient and natural horror.
There is a rhythm there, but it is not tied down. The piece needed to be spoken. The first part is perhapes more rhythmic than the second. The irregular rhyming adds to the rhythm, and accentuates it. The diction is modern, which adds a new spin to the Wen. As it is an ancient terror, using more modern figures like Jack Frost, and a rather up beat (or fast tempo) piece to speak of it makes it a rather enjoyable experience.
The second part is more descriptive, and adds more of a familiar character to the Wen. Though the rhythm still exists. On a personal note, this feat is not an easy one for me.
On a more philosophical bent, to the natives, the Wen signified the unknown. It was the wrath of darkness... it was what killed people at night and made men dissolve with fear. But the narrator seems to place the Wen in a sort of a figure of freedom. The narrator asks where does the Wendigo go? The narrator also askes to be taken away, and speaks of the Wendigo (the unknown) as something that the narrator him/herself knows. The Wendigo speaks here as a symbol. A chaotropic force that jerks our strings. It is a danger that lurks, but where? The first part makes it sound like it might be within us. The second part speaks more of what the Wendigo's desires are, but, to me, it also speaks of a feeling of vengence, a more primal rage. And it drags our feet.
I would also like to comment on Tim Taw's use of rhythm in line 19 of the second part. This rhythm is where rap began.
I enjoy reading Tim's work. They are abstract, and the words can touch on and speak of many different ideas. When I realize that I feel something of the poem but cannot quite put it to words, I realize that I had read something that approaches the sublime limits of art.
Yours, Wayward,
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Post by Advent Childhe on Sept 16, 2005 16:50:58 GMT -5
Greetings:
I found this piece. I wrote it for a girl that I will never see again.
Return
Return to a series' world, Beauty found in simplicity- A clarity of numbers- Would it darken memories? The space where nothing lies, Where pregnant words are meaningless- Think of me, Wounded in this strange land, Metaphysically melancholic, And prove that every line I write May be built upon 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+
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Post by Velata on Oct 2, 2005 0:06:05 GMT -5
... May I...?
If math classes and statistics could inspire poetry similar to this... I should stop dozing off in these classes ~grin.
This is not much of a critique in any way. It is my mere attempt to revive this part of the forum. Just a few comments, is all.
There's an extended metaphor running throughout this piece, which might hint to how these two people met. In such a short piece, there is enough references to numbers and patterns that makes this an interesting read. After all, if poetry is a play on words, this is a play on words and numbers.
This is also short piece, in Waywayd's standards. This world has a fast-food mentality; patience is a virtue long gone. Perhaps, because of this sad fact, this piece may be received a tad better than the others which are longer, and tell a more complete story.
Speaking of stories, it would seem that Wayward is always writing parting pieces for girls he'd never see again... I wonder, why is that?
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Post by Advent Childhe on Oct 3, 2005 23:02:56 GMT -5
Greetings:
Wow... I thought that last one was going to be it for the Writers' Corner.
Not a lot of writers here huh?
The references to math is subtle. I wrote another one and that had even more - one or two in every line.
As to the girls.... "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
So long and thanks for all the fish, Wayward,
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Post by Velata on Oct 3, 2005 23:26:15 GMT -5
... May I...?
Our writers and poets have been a little wanting lately. Perhaps there's a generalised muse strike?
Despair not, my friend. If I didn't remember wrong, I still owe this forum a poem, and I aim to deliver. Some time soon in the future is what I have planned.
And hopefully, our muses-on-strike crisis will be resolved by then...
Until then,
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Post by Garanor on Oct 7, 2005 18:01:50 GMT -5
Fear not for I am back! (not that you all would have anything to fear anyways -_- I havent posted here in a while, truth be told Ive just been really lazy of late, but I have something. Recently I tore a ligiment in my leg doing stupid things-nothing that wont heal so its no big deal-but due to this event ive been sitting around alot healing and such, and during this time ive been reading alot of high fantasy books. So I have been inspired-or so to say-to make a short tale or something of the like that you would hear from the mouth of a bard. I tried to rhyme a bit but such is not my forte, anwyays I present... Shadows of KarouraIn darkest night, in perils flight, two shady figures appear. Cloaks held tight by arms with might, through blackest pitch they sear. The city howls with torches and swords, and cowled figures run amok. A small veil of frenzy envelops the crowd and they follow as if in mock. The running figures one red of eye looks back in surprise and dismay, the city guard-who now they flee-are no longer in disarray. A holy piece of great importance held between their arms, they turn down shadowed streets, with whispered prayers to charms. What little gods may look upon their desperate escaping feat, will not answer calls to their plight for fear of looking weak. Alone and surrounded they scurry for cover like rats in a deadly maze, their only hope a sewer entrance so they jump through the putrid haze. Footsteps thump overhead like a drum beat to ones heart, the guard up top run confused for indeed they have lost their mark. The thieves grip their prize, only wishing it to be lighter, but with hope of a promising morrow the future couldn’t be brighter.
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Post by Velata on Oct 10, 2005 21:11:17 GMT -5
... May I...? To Gananor: Sorry to hear about your leg, but welcome back! Now, as to "Shadows of Karoura": 1. Interesting story. I think I could discern some elements from the high fantasy tales that you've mentioned: the night ambush, the furitive defence, and the final triumph of the thieves. However, to make the story more complete (and more like what a mistrel would sing), it might be more interesting to tell the tale from only one side of the story, that of the thieves or the city folks. The mistrel might have been one of the city folks, after all. It might make the story longer, but it will certainly round it out. 2. Garanor couldn't be more correct in is self-assessment: rhyming is not his forte. However, neither is meter, which refers to the number of syllables in a line, and where the lines are divided. Garanor seems to have sacrificed a coherant story to meet the rhyming scheme, which mars the impact and the flow of the story. The lines follow no meter, and is divided as if in prose. There seems to be little reason why the lines are divided into the way they are divided right now (no rhythm... all rhyme.... ~grin). Rhyming is not necessary to make a good poem, neither is following a meter. Poetry is a play on words by using the English language to its maximum to tell a story, whatever it might be. In this case, perhaps, to tell the story better, Garanor should abandon the rhyming scheme (which seems leaky in at least two stanzas) and strive to tell the story better. If Garanor is up for a challenge, a blank verse format might be worthwhile. Blank verse follows a meter but does not follow a rhyming scheme. This might be an easier place to start. All in all, good tale. There are just some technicalities that marred it. It's been a while since anyone's poste on this part of the forum, so it's nice to have you back!!!
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Post by Advent Childhe on Oct 10, 2005 23:34:05 GMT -5
Greetings:
Garanor: welcome back. I will post for your thing shortly.
It is good to see life back at the forums again.
All hail the Ram, Wayward,
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Post by Corrusader on Oct 11, 2005 21:18:41 GMT -5
I like the Shadows of Karoura Garanor. Although it has no rhyming nor meter to show, it has with it a nice story told with beautiful words.
The tale has a lot of movement, words like in darkest night, in perils flight are all very descriptive. That coupled with the short-sentenced, fragamented story telling style made me picture a city shaking and tilting, it's inhabitants in a mad attempt to chase the protagnists.
The ending was nice too. Alright I admit it, all the sentences I really like has rhymes in it. But the piece is still nice.
I too think you can forget about rhyming first and just do the meter.
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Post by Garanor on Oct 12, 2005 14:26:33 GMT -5
Mwahahah well I tried. ^_^; I should indeed get back to writing some stories I just needed something simple and fast to leak some creativity into, somewhat like a warm up. At the very least a slight bit more motion has been stired here. ^^
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