Story: Way of the hero

[Corrusader]

I dreamed up a story. Seeing how well people commented last time, I decided to post it here again. It's a bit long, around 900 words. Again your comments will be appreciated... so please do.

Way of the hero

Two carrion birds flew into the setting sun.

5 days.

The tormented flames have since withered back into scorching hell. The poisonous mist has since been blown away by a stronger wind. Strangely, the wind and the mist tasted the same...
At the top of a long cliff stiffened with destiny, two silhouettes stood tall. After millions of motionless moments, the demonic one spoke.

"Be-tray-er? In truth, it was us who were betrayed, it was us who were played."

"Unjustful words Tarahjan! The one who forsake the goddess deserves to be hunted, regardless of his intentions. Don't forget, you're an enemy now."

"By her unseeing eye! Why do you refuse to see how many goddess' children were saved because of our deeds? Why can't you believe we're also on the goddess' side?"

"You defied our most ancient teachings; you defiled our most sacred vows. You destroyed our heritage; and shattered our faith. The second you drank the demon's blood, you lose your human soul."

"We did it so there will be a heritage to protect; so there will still be vows to keep. We shattered our own humanity so humanity will continue to be. The demon blood was taken for our people, high council."

"The end does not justify the means."

"Is the high council of brilliance the goddess herself? What we've done is not an act of selfish greed. We sacrificed our honour for your survival. We sacrificed our body for your peace. We sacrificed our living soul for your better good. We, the curse bearers, took upon ourselves what would've befallen on you all: a damned immortality. Acknowledge, Eldon, this that you call treason is indeed a holy act of courage."

"Pitiful fiend, the end does not justify the means."

"Choose rightfully Eldon, this or a nightmare lasting for eternity?"

"Answer me this apprentice, how can we have faith in the powers of light if we have to ward off enemies with darkness? Where is the fortitude of heart if it can't stand trial? Tarahjan of crimson order, how are you so different from the enemies you sworn?"

"Your apprentice died when he tasted demonic life. He traded his future for their power. He now wears a monster's skin, but underneath hides the defiant guardianship for the people."

"No! Foolish, incompetent, reckless, nincompoop! What you sacrificed outweighs what you gained. Your actions go against the wishes of my Lady. I have always been ready to choose glorious death over life gifted by a treacherous faith."

"Even if the rest of our people agree with you, they do not yet know what I have done. In ignorance, their life would remain untainted. They do not have to know who their saviors are."

"Perhaps, by hiding the truth in lies, you may yet preserve innocence."

"By Fetista's name! I can see what you're doing now angelic trickster! You wish to send us away, banish us to hell, to where the pit fiends are. You. Call. That. Just?"

"Tarahjan, do you yet have lust so great that..."

"Silence, high council! In whose magnificent name do you send us, saviours of the land, to the inferno flames! Under what profound reasoning do you convict us to be consumed by those who we defeated? With what furious courage dare you utter to me these treacherous words? How, under Fetista's careful watch, can..."

"Tarahjan, my pupil, listen to me. Your destiny is already sealed by a pact you made with your actions; an act with grave consequences. If your intention is truly pure, if your mind is still human, you already know it's the only way."

"My warriors will not accept this fate. And neither will I."

"You think it's a done deal, don't you. You wish to only give up your soul to become who you are? Tarahjan, the poison continues to eat away at you long after the pact. All of your human form will vanish; all your mortal thoughts will go. Look at your clan members. They are losing themselves... some of them already gone. My child, the corruption will make you your own nemesis. You and your clan will become the new plague of this world."

"Lies."

"Then you have just undone what you strived for."

"What will you do then master? Claim the victory as your own for the world to see? Enjoy the peaceful time you have here and be reincarnated by the goddess' side after you die? All the while knowing that you have sent your own heroes into the abyss."

"Rest your mind Tarahjan. I have my sacrifice to make, just like you. After my mortality ends, my lady's judgement will lead me down the path to hell. To pay for this exact crime I'm uttering to you now; to pay for the peace our people will gain in the days to come."

"Treacherous, abominable just bringer... your wish shall be obeyed. Remember this: Life is only a moment; death lasts for eternity. In a blink of eye, we shall meet again before the burning gates of hell; where the stone lions sit."

"Tarahjan, I intend to endure every trial you bestow upon me. You deserve revenge, and I gladly accept the honour to receive it."

[Velata]

... May I...?

A story seemed to receive a little less attention than poetry, this does not bode very well for the attention spans (or the lack thereof...) of the fine people that compose this forum. Seeing that there are no takers in tackling this story at the moment, I believe I will give it a try.

The Way of the Hero seems to be somewhat of a continuation of the poem that Corrusader has presented with us earlier, definately they were along the same lines. Although I personally enjoy such tales, and let me say first, that I did enjoy this little tale, I have to unfortunately comment on both the pace of the story as well as diction.

Good things first, shall we?

This story bears the interesting details of flourished language, which is quite often found in works of Fantasy and Sci/Fi. The content of the story evokes questions about what exactly had had happened to Eldon and Tarahjan, and what would happen to them later. The Way of the Hero is a difficult path, and as many of us will agree, "The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions."

Then, the not-so-savoury...

Speaking of flourished language in such a story... as fitting as it might be for the mood and content of the story, one would find things horribly amiss if there are lapses in the flow of the language. That is why common, colloquial expressions such as "done deal" and words such as "Nincompoop" mar the piece so much. Eldon would do better to check his word usage.

The world of Fantasy is a world of language and symbols. As a corollary to this statement, the names of the characters would carry much power in the hearts of the readers (or, in their guts, at least). Eldon and Tarahjan happen to be wonderful choices, as they give off the image of what they were supposed to be. However, putting them together sounds a tad off. The lady "Fetista", however, was the strangest choice by far. Unless she is the Goddess of the Demons; the common connotation of a "Fetista", an obvious derivative of a "fetish" does not fit for a Goddess of the Good.

Alas, I should not have to wonder about the identity of Lady Fetista, should I? In my humble opinion, I would think that the conversations of the two characters took too much for granted, and left the readers too much room for imagination. If the backstory was revealed a little more during the conversations, it would make the tragic fate of both of these characters even more tragic, hence a greater effect.

There are also other, smaller, less glaring grammatical errors and diction problems, like hanging participles and unfinished phrases. They could be easier picked up by an editor prior to publishing (if Corrusader has a mind to publish his stories and poetry).

Hopefully, this less-than-perfect reading of this tragic story would elicit the attention of other, better readers and critics lurking in the shadows of the infrastructure of this forum.

Regards,

[Corrusader]

Thanks for your kind comments Velata. You're right about diction, I should have been more careful about the setting of the mood. I guess that is overlooked. "Done deal" absolutely should not have existed there as you have pointed out. I'm unsure about "nincompoop" as I didn't know it's such an modern word. However, as you're the second person to point that out to me; I guess you have your merit.

The names I also payed less attention to then I should. I guess when I try a new style of making the background story mostly implicit I lose track of other focuses of a fantasy story. There are better names then Fetista indeed.

The background story is meant to be "sort of" understood in the conversation, and the unclear parts are left to the reader's imagination. Reveal too much and the atmosphere might be gone; reveal too little and the readers will be confused. The happy medium is hard to find. When I asked my friend if the story is confusing, he said he liked it the way it is. To each his own I guess. Perhaps if I anchor the story down with references to particular events the story would seem less allusive?

You also wanted to say something about the pacing. Can you tell me more about that?

[Advent Childhe]

Greetings:

Its getting late... I must becareful.

I admire the above piece. It featured drama and an olde time favourite disscussion amongst those who look into the abyss. Sacrifice is needed at times to protect or to earn our "needful things". This piece raises the question of what kind of sacrifices are enough... and when are they too much. Corrusader's use of this piece as a dramatic meditation on this endless question is well appreciated.

Now for the criticism.

This is not a short story.

A heated argument does not consist of a story. The mere fact that 98% of the peice is the conversation between the two main characters, the little bit of poetic descriptions at the beginning does not fit in. I have found, much to my chargin, that writing poetic prose or using very involving metaphores does not bode well for a regular narrative - for experimental narratives, I recommend Virginia Woolfe. However much I may have loved the line "After millions of motionless moments-- the demonic one spoke." the characters did not stand there for a million moments, and none of these moments were at all demonic (grin).

This is a meditation. Narratives require plot. This conversation, with some changes to the names and the deities involved could be fitted to any situation. Though ideas like "high councilor" and "Goddess" and "daemons" were mentioned, these could very well have been symbols in other situations; mind you do have to get creative, but the main point is that this conversation has no ties with tangible events.

Tangible events are events described during the narrative time period. Descriptions of such detail gives the events that the character talk about importance and credibility. This offers the "suspension of disbelief." This also ties down the conversation to a plot line that could be followed. Though events that had passed and events that will come are alluded in the conversation, there are no description of the world in which these events will take place. This could possible work against the imagery and that plot that the narrative is trying to convey... if there was to be a plot at all.

Pace.

The pace is very fast. In the aspect of narrative time, this was all done in one instant. Average person speaks 200 words a min. This conversation then took place in 4.5 min (approx). So, in (approx) 4.5 min, a great warrior faced up to his mentor in defiance for his actions. He was proud of the sacrifices that he and his soldiers have made. Then they meditate and argue on what it is really like to be a hero, and to be a human at the same time. Then they come to a conclusion in which both must be damned... in (approx) 4.5 min speech time.

Convert this to reading time, and all of these life or belief altering decisons were made in the span of approx half of 4.5 min.

Narrative time must reflect the seriousness of the topic. A short conversation can never bring an end to such a grand topic as the "way of the Hero". Mind, a conversation of any length cannot fully explain this, high councillor or no. One must pace these important arguments, otherwise it would have seemed very very hasty. Eldon would have seemed very pushy, and out anti-hero would have seemed too easily pushed over.

One would not normally call one of any high council "high council". I believe a more realistic title would be "councillor" or "high Councillor".

I love Feist. I love her.

Yours,
Wayward,

PS: I hope Velata would know what I mean by pace here.

[Corrusader]

Yay for another critique.

You may have credit in saying that this is not a short story. I don't know the definition for a "short story." The thing I'm striving for however, is "a piece of conversation that convey a plot, but does not explicitly describe it." It's fun to write. I also think the "poetic thing" in the front is fine, but you're entitled to your opinion, and it's rightfully noted.

I think they might have stood there for "millions of moments" before they started talking. The intention is that they had a staring contest for a while. Also, the "demonic one" refers to Tarajan (one of the sihouettes), not moments.

I think you're right that more events to tie down the story is needed. I was thinking maybe, for my purpose, I can make the characters refer to events but do not describe them. That will improve the suspension of disbelief and also perserve the feeling of mystery I intend to have. I will strive for that in the future should I write more of the same genre.

I fully agree that this is a very fast paced story. I also think something big and heavy can be conveyed in very little time. Again, your opinion is respectfully taken. A hero, in my mind, is ready to admit his mistakes and always considers other's view. When he realize that his existance in mortal plane might endanger those he tried to protect, he sacrifices himself again. Once he realizes what's appropriate, he acts on it with little regard to his own assets. That, and his respect towards his master (dispite his wording), makes him act with haste.

That does makes him seem like a push-over. I think it only happens when you manage to convince him of your view. Eldon is pushy, because in his mind, the situation is dire.

Calling Eldon high council is another word that needs changed. Your suggestions are excellent. In reality, one doesn't really call a councillor high council unless he's speaking to the entire council. In the story, Tarajan did feel like he's addressing the entire council (what Eldon said is actually the decision of the entire council.) That does sound awkward tho, and it is noted for future writing.

You like the naming for the Goddess? Or just the name?

[Advent Childhe]

Greetings:

My comment on the millions of moments was ment to be a witty remark on the fragmented sentence. I knew fully well what you wished to convey.

Suspension of disbelief is created by the author using descriptions of the fantastical world as an analogue to the real world. The narrative generates a semblance of reality so that the fantastical aspects become believable. What was presented in the piece alludes to unspecific events, so that everything becomes rather... disbelievable.

Narrative pace is used to extend and convey the feelings of the topic and to be used in lieu of real time.

Readers of the piece would not knw that Eldon represented the decision of the entire High Council. It sounded very personal at the end of the piece. If it was as you had said, then the piece must reflect it.

Yours,
Wayward,

[Velata]

... May I...?

I personally believe that Wayward had detailed the pace problem for me quite well. There is something peculiar with the flow of the story, something that I could not yet place my finger onto, until Wayward had kindly pointed it out - this is a series of conversations.

I agree that a lot of things can be resolved in the course of a conversation. However, there are ways to lengthen the conversation to better capture the moment (or those million of moments, for that matter). Perhaps, adding the inner dialogues of the characters will help in this endeavour. The readers can, first of all, get an idea of what went through the minds of the two speakers as they spoke, which would definately make Tarahjan less of a push-over. The second advantage, of course, is that it would make the reading time (and conversation time) for the story longer, without really stretching out the conversation.

As to Wayward confusing your "demonic moments"... Well, those are the hanging participles and unfinished sentences and phrases that I've been talking about. I had believed that they will prove to be less of a bother in light of the other, more pressing problems. It would seem that I need to reconsider that.

As to the further mention of names in this story...
Names are personal symbols, and when viewed in this light, the heavy words (imbued with meaning and weight both) used in this story have their merits. The part about tangible events during the conversation would help the readers to understand the story better. The happy middle is definately a difficult thing to find, therefore, I applaud the action of Corrusader, since he is brave enough to bring forth his pieces for general viewing and getting back feedbacks. That's where happy middles are found, ultimately - in the eyes of the readers.

The last thing mentioned by Corrusaders's most recent post-script revealed a problem that is common to many creators, something of a little dramatic irony. The artist knows things that the readers necessarily have no privilege of having, the definition and the characteristic of a hero, for example. Not everyone has the same ideals and definitions, and not everyone considers a verbal push-over a hero. Without adquate (but not too revealing, of course) background support, impatient readers may find there is nothing to sympathise with Tarahjan and fail to find Eldon a possible tragic hero figure, either. The happy middle here will help the readers to gain just a little more insight into how these characters think and just a little more of what they went through to create them into these heroic figures that the author wishes to present them.

Regards,

[Corrusader]

Ah... wit. Yes, I missed that. It would be grammatically confusing.

No, the reader will not know what Eldon said is the decisino of the council. I was hoping reader will infer that information by the way Tarajan is talking to him. Later, you (Wayward) showed me that it is ambiguous. It is something I have to look out for.

Velata, you're right that more background should be provided for the heros on their personalities. Thanks.

You both think the pace is too fast huh? Hmm... ok. Opinion noted.

I am aware that the artist is more enlightened on the background stories then the readers. That's accounts for a lot of story flaws I find. The author will need the readers view of the story, because the author is so familiar with the story that he himself can no longer see the story loopholes and plot/mood errors. The story is fine in his mind, and the mood is set.

That's why I so eagerly enjoy your feedbacks.

[Advent Childhe]

Greetings:

I am at your service Corrusader. I enjoy reading. I enjoy it even more when it is of the genre that I love. You write well and you have your own style. Perhapes you may wish to submit to the CP as a writer.

Yours,
Wayward,

[Corrusader]

Thanks for your kind words Wayward. I don't think I will apply to be a writer. I don't trust myself with the responsibility. My inspiration has a tendency to disobey my summonings.

However, if the magazine wish to use any text of mine, they have my invitation. (As long as I can also post it elsewhere for others to see )

[Velata]

... May I...?

I thank you humbly for your kind words, Corrusader. In my eyes, we are both in servants of some unknown muse who guides our minds and our hands to create something from nothing. If I may be of any further help, I shall be at your sevices.

The Muses, however, can only be culled and lulled, and demanded upon like mindless machines. If you feel that you might have problems in dutifully cracnking out pieces periodically for the magazine, I believe you can enter as a free-lance and answer to the "Inspired by..." section of every issue.

Take the challenge, because the rest of the world deserves to see that wordsmithing is not an obsolete form of art.

Salutations,