Poem: Shadow who side with light

[Corrusader]

Hey guys, I have a poem to share with whoever wants to read it. I didn't want to submit it because I really don't know if it has any connection to the magazine. (Also because I'm lazy.) Well here it is. Also, please do give feedback; Tell me what you don't like. Thanks.

Shadow who side with light

Darkness comes with its baited breath,
Breathing on knight who welcomed death.
Dying alone, for he hath-
Hath done disgrace towards the light.

"He knows I'm guilty with my shame,
Shamed to bear my family name
Named by fate for flaming fame,
Famed to lose a glorious fight."

Darkness spoke, its words are flawless:
"Flaws you've none, I find you guiltless,
Guiltlessly put, you aren't faithless.¡¨
Faith? The knight smiled a smile of blight.

Darkness whispered, its voice is kind,
Kinder then all the light combined,
"Come, and you'll companionship find,
Find Darkness, and embrace what's right.¡¨

What Corruption said can't be fake,
Fake words were it, my heart won't shake.
Shaken, does my honour break?
Broken and gone is heaven's might.

I then rose for Darkness to heal,
Healing me to its rotting will.
Will my thoughts be human still?
Still be my heart as day turned night.

Blackened sky; a sudden ripple.
Ripping down, a crimson hippo!
Furry! His redness triple.
Tripped my thoughts in his blazing sight.

In his hands undefiled friendship.
Friends through a golden fellowship.
Followers of true guardianship.
Never has my mind burned so bright.

Darkness fumed: "You can't from me tear,
Torn is your soul, you're sold I fear.¡¨
Fearsome words my friend would hear;
"Hear Nightmare King! I'm not your knight.¡¨

Demon lord laughed, his fury sly,
"Slightly late does your friend come by,¡¨
"Bear my promise" this said I,
"I'm masked by shadow, but side with light.¡¨

[Edit] Made it easier to read on IE
[Edit x2] Quoted the second stanza as suggested by Velata

[Advent Childhe]

Greetings:

I'm improving on my timing...

This narrative poem by Corrusader deserves applause. I am finding my self to identify with Corrusader; I often write poetry like this.

I am intrigued, however, I have difficulty reading this piece. I do not trust the machine when it comes to the craft of art. If I can obtain a copy of this poem without all the blanks and strange spacings, I will offer my full comments and complements.

Yours,
Wayward Wayne,

PS: but so far, I like it

[Seph]

I personally like it. I have a soft spot for rhymes, for that's how I like to write. However, it's rare to find a good one written with both rhythm and rhymes considering most people end up with just doggerels. Anyone can write free verse, or haikus. But it takes real thinking to get down something like that.

Bravo!

And I liked the theme and contents too, except I thought it got a bit long half way through.

CPmag doesn't really have any specific themes, so I don't see why you can't submit it. I liked it.[/i]

[Bryan]

i think in rhymes!!!
hehe... it's great... it'll definetly be great to have that on the magazine... but i guess corrusader meant was the theme the magazine has every issue... but we do have a free section for none theme related stuf... ;D so u can try that out...

[Seph]

*nods* I agree... I've been eyeing that free section myself as well. Well, I guess we have only 2 days left (1?) to make the decision!

[Corrusader]

Gracious heavens... I forgot to check the format with IE. Well I did now and it was quite horrifying.

It's fixed (I hope) my IE shows it correct now. Thanks Wayne.

Thanks everyone for liking it. I had fun writing this poem. It's taken me a good many lunches to get the rhythem and rhyme relatively correct. -_-''

You find it a bit too long huh Seph? I see. See, I intended this to be kind of like a story-kind-of-poem. I decided on a rhythem so people will find themselves reading more of a story. That's my excuse for it being long. Alright, I'll admit it, maybe it's just me being wordy.

An interesting thing about this poem. The hippo mentioned in the piece is an avatar of my friend. The "Red Furry Hippo." That's him. In this poem, the hippo just stands for friend.

[Seph]

What's with people liking Hippo for names? I had one who liked to call himself the pygmy hippo. Oh wells.

I really liked the rhythm though. But I thought it just got a bit long after the fifth or so verse. Then it just seemed like the theme changed and it got too psychological/theoretical. Of course, that could just be me.[/i]

[Velata]

...May I...?

I am afraid that it is I who's late this time; Wayward Wayne should ceed his "lateness" throne to me.

"...masked by shadow, but side with light..." is such an honourable sentiment, that I am really glad that someone would have the grace to articulate it again. The story itself has a lot of promise, which means that it has the potential to be a lot longer, perhaps even to an epic scale. That, of course, would mean Corrusader would need to spend even more long, dreary lunch hours to complete his rhymes. Perhaps he would feel that he's up to the task, perhaps not. I can only wait.

The rhyming was a special part of the poem, of course. I could not have done better, I don't think. However, if we must be so formal, then we should perhaps talk about form itself. I believe, the most difficult part of the poem that Corrusader had accomplished was the completion of the form, which so few people dare to follow now. The only thing that mars the piece, perhaps just a little, is that "hippo" doesn't really rhyme with "triple" and "ripple." The sound of "hippo" is close enough with the other two words in the common North American tongue, but it probably won't fit as nicely in another dialect of spoken English. If I may say so, this is almost like "getting off on a technicality."

And speaking of the hippo... until Corrusader explained the hippo as an avatar of his friend, I am afraid that this allusion has escaped me quite well. The hippopotamus was a rare animal in the English-speaking world, and in this sense, had always been associated with some dark and infernal being. Ancient monsters had been related to the hippo (e.g. the hippogryph, if one follows the Harry Potter series), and so did ancient demons. It is therefore quite questionable to have the "hippo" play the "good guy" in this poem - unless, of course, he was also one who was "masked by darkness, but sided with light." Perhaps, the next time Corrusader attacks such a difficult task, he would consider the connotation of his choice of words. Most people would not connect "hippo" with "friend" unless been told to do so otherwise.

Other little tidbits might be to add quotation marks for the thoughts of the knight in the second stanza to make things a tad simpler for readers (I am quite sure that was just an oversight).

All in all, I believe this was very well done, and it deserves to be shared with other people other than the speakers (and lurkers) on the forum. Corrusader should consider taking his talent to the magazine to grace other people with his word-smithing prowess.

... I do believe I've said too much... such is not good form at all. In this discussion of forms, I believe I've outsaid mine... my apologies.

[Corrusader]

Wow thanks Velata, the quotation does help a lot. I was worried that the second stanza doesnt seem right somehow... now its fixed.

The opinion of the crowd differs on the length of the poem. I myself find the length a tad too long when I first wrote it, and when I read it again before putting it on I found the pace too fast. Oh well, such is the nature of opinions.

Thanks for the wisdom you shed on hippos. I would refrain from using that reference again unless special circumstances occur. (My friend chose that animal because "hippos need more support, it's too underrated.")

I like rhymes too, to me, it gives poems its necessary flash. A freeform poem almost always reads like a cut up paragraph to me.